Heartsick
by CCke
Summary: Set right after the movie. Mal and Inara.


TITLE: Heartsick  
AUTHOR: CCke (aka Aset)  
E-MAIL: EponineAset(at)hotmail(dot)com  
FEEDBACK: Yes, that's what I live for... I can beg :p  
DISTRIBUTION: want, take, have, just tell me where I can visit.  
RATING: PG-13 - T  
CLASSIFICATION: songfic  
PAIRING: Mal/Inara  
SPOILERS: Set after the BDM  
DISCLAIMER: Do I look that rich? No, not mine. Just playing with them.  
As for the lyrics, they're from the song Heal me, I'm Heartsick, by No Vacancy, from the School of Rock soundtrack. Mmmm Adam Pascal!  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Needed some cheering up. Studying can get pretty boring, and when you get some disappointing news, you just need some Firefly to cheer you up!  
Thank you to my wonderful beta Guin:p I'll buy you a drink at NFA!  
DEDICATION: I had the idea of turning this into a Mal/Simon piece and do this for my meimei Tanni, but then little Inara started protesting in my mind. So Tan, I hope you still like it, and I can always give the Mal/Simon a go another time.

* * *

War is one of the cruelest evils in these worlds. Hate drives people to insanity and to arms, and it will leave you bare, broken and scarred.

I know all of this wasn't a real war. Not the kind that has half a nation in motion, but the effects were the same. I'm still broken and scarred, both mentally and physically.

A nice little red streak is all that will remain in a couple of years there where the Operative flashed his blade through my torso. The scar will fade, but the memory remains. Another thing that will remain is emptiness, in my heart. I've lost a lot of people in my life. Hell, my whole battalion perished in the Valley, all but me and Zoë. It hurts to watch a comrade fall. Hurts even more to see a close friend die. First Book, then Wash. They were my crew, family. It hurts, and I don't think I can let go of yet another person. Not again. Not now.

Inara told me she wasn't sure whether or not she would return to the Training House. She said she didn't know if she'd leave Serenity. And it had been a good answer.

Now, 8 hours later, I'm not so sure about it anymore.

I'm lying wide awake, staring at the ceiling of my bunk. I'm restless, tossing and turning in bed, and even though I'm tired as hell, I just can't seem to find any sleep. I sigh as I turn on the lights. Sleep ain't gonna happen tonight. Not while there's ghosts in my head…

"_Mal, I need your help with this. I need you to help me, because I can't –_ "

Inara's voice keeps haunting me. She'd needed me back on Miranda. And she was still on the ship for now. But what about tomorrow?

I get up, wincing as the brusque move pulls at the stitches in my side. I try to ignore the pain as I move towards the ladder.

"_I don't know._"

That's an answer. Good one, but I'm gonna get me a better one.

_Heal me. I'm heartsick. I'm hungry and I'm broken.  
__I'm haunted, and weeping  
the blood of heaven flowing like a river tonight.  
Tears I can't fight on my own  
_

There's something serene about watching a person sleep. They all look younger, and carefree. And so does she, all innocent and beautiful…

The bed is small and the sheets aren't silk and deep red, and there ain't an overabundance of pillows, but she looks glorious none the less. Her dark curls are spread out over the white pillow, encircling her gracious features. There's a soft smile on her face as she dreams. It's barely visible, but it's there.

The guestroom is nothing compared to her old shuttle, or her grand apartment at the Training House and somehow she looks so much more approachable now. "_Less whorelike_" I want to say, but that's the old me talking. Never liked what she did for a livin', legal or not.

Never liked what she did to the shuttle either. Made me feel small, out of place, unwanted. Everything screamed credits, and that's something I ain't got. Monty said I got smarts. Standing here in her room in the middle of the night, I have some doubts on that subject. I never know what I'm doing when I'm around her. Told her as much too.

I let out a sigh and look at her again, my sleeping beauty. Then I notice the small cross above the bed.

Book.

I almost forgot about it. This used to be his room, before he started his parish at Haven. All he left behind was this cross. Always saw it as yet another wasted try of him to show me faith. He was right though, that in the end that's what I needed. I just needed to believe.

A sob escapes my throat before I can help myself. Emotions come rushing at me, and I ain't never been one to deal with all of that well. I take in a deep breath, trying to control it, but it ain't working. I can feel another tear slide down my cheek, and I turn around to leave.

__

I'm a haunted heathen. I'm hung and barely breathing.  
_The drowning ocean. Snuff the sun in motion.  
__There's a pill on my tongue.  
__A shot from a gun, the bottle's bottom,  
__I'm lonely as a star_

"Mal?" Her sleepy voice calls out just as I'm stepping out of the room.

"Hey," I whisper, trying to sound as normal as possible, "Didn't mean to wake you."

"Are you okay?"

Am I okay?… No, not by a long shot.

"Yeah," I say in a raspy voice, "Try and get some more sleep, 'Nara."

"Mal!" She calls out for me again, preventing me once more from leaving her room. Taking a deep breath, I turn around, not caring anymore if she could see the tears or not. I came here for a reason, and I'm not backing out of it. Not anymore.

"I'm sorry," I speak again and this time my voice ain't so steady anymore.

"Oh Mal!" She whispers, and her voice is full of compassion. Guess she saw the wetness on my cheeks then. "Come," she then says, patting on the bed.

"I'm sorry," I say once more, breaking down in silent sobs. I'm done pretending…

__

Heal me, I'm heartsick  
Hungry, thought I could survive on you  
Hear my heartsick hungry cry  
I'm heartsick!  


We're lying in the bed, facing each other. My hand is resting on her hipbone, and she's gently stroking my cheek. It's weird, but soothing none the less. I've stopped crying a while ago, but her nightgown is still dark there where my head had rested.

I scrape my throat, waiting until I think I can speak again. I've never been the one to find right words to say when I'm with her. She spins me about.

"Better?" She is the first to speak as she flashes me a soft smile.

I nod and pull her close to me for a comforting hug. "Thanks."

"We all need that sometimes," she says as she pulls away again.

"To grieve?" I question.

"Contact," she replies, then presses a soft kiss on my lips. I gasp as the brief gesture sends sparkles throughout my body, shutting out any sense or reason. I fantasised a lot about kissing Inara, and when I say a lot, I do mean a lot. I've never expected it to be like this… Soft and comforting. Not the fury and passion that leaves you breathless. Instead there's a serene bittersweetness that leaves you speechless none the less. A few more butterfly kisses and I can feel her wet tongue against my bottom lip, desperately begging entrance. I let her, then slowly take control over our actions as my brain finally catches up with me… We're kissing!

"Inara…" I whisper as we break apart after what seems like an eternity. She smiles shyly at me, and cuddles up against me.

"Contact." I repeat, pressing a soft kiss on top of her hair as I wrap my arms around her, then slowly let myself drift off to sleep.

__

Father, free me. Mama woman feed me  
_A child of fury. Lost his way but don't worry I won't stop 'til the dawn.  
__I've been too long on the run.  
__I grow strong, and restless as a storm  
_

I don't know for how long I've slept, but I feel so much better right now. Thing that's feels even better is Inara's lithe form pressed up against me.

No, maybe not that great… She's crying. At first I thought I was still asleep, stuck in a bad dream, but there's little soft sobs against my chest and barely noticeable sniffs. And the cold wetness that has drenched my shirt is all too real.

"Inara?" I question, and I can hear her sniff before she looks up to meet my eyes.

"Hey," I whisper as I wipe away the tears from her eyes. She gives me a watery smile, trying to tell me she's all right, but the sob tells me otherwise. "What's wrong?" I ask.

"I'm sorry Mal, I just…" She pauses to let out a deep breath. "I just don't… I don't know if I should stay or leave…"

I open my mouth to reply, but she shushes me, and puts one of her delicately manicured fingers atop of my lips.

"No, let me finish Mal, please, cause I don't know if I can otherwise… I love the training House. But… I don't know if I can do that anymore. Serenity is home, it's more home than anything else. Since I was 12, the only life I've known was inside the Houses… And I trusted that, I trusted in the Alliance. And now, it's all chui se. It's so mo min chi meow, just like it would be if I stayed here… I don't think I can work as your ambassador anymore, Mal. But it's the only thing I ever learned to be. I don't know what to do anymore." She continues as a lonely tear runs down her cheek.

"I don't know what to say… 'Nara…." I get ready to start a comforting speech.

"Just say we'll make it through… together," she whispers in a pleading voice.

"We will. We will make it through, Inara… " I say as I hug her close, pressing a kiss on top of her head.

Heal me. I'm heartsick.  
_Hungry thought I could survive on you.  
__Hear my heartsick hungry cry.  
__I'm heartsick._

_Heal me. I'm heartsick.  
__I'm hungry and I'm broken.  
__I'm haunted, and weeping.  
__The blood of heaven flowing  
__like a river tonight.  
__Tears I can't fight on my own._

"So, you're staying then?" I ask a bit later, breaking the silence. A second, then I feel a short, sharp sting…. "You bit me!"

She looks up to me with a wide grin on her face. "You asked a stupid question…"

"But you bit my nipple…" I retort, mock hurt on my face.

"I know… And I'll kiss it all better…" She says, closing the gap between us… Yes, we'll be all right.

_  
So heal me. I'm heartsick.  
__Hungry thought I could survive on you.  
__Hear my heartsick hungry cry.  
__I'm heartsick._

_So heal me. I'm heartsick.  
__Hungry thought I could survive on you.  
__Hear my heartsick hungry cry.

* * *

_

Chinese translations:  
chui se: go(ne) to hell  
mo min chi meow: muddled, mixed up.


End file.
